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Honest Light

by Small Parks

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1.
Oakland 03:27
Sometimes it gets so chaotic - I can't control how I'm feeling I'll be with people that love me and feel like they're all against me I'll try my best to get past it, and look for ways to find comfort I try to think of my progress, but I just come up empty A six day visit to Oakland derailed by different opinions A lack of communication; frustration displayed through tied tongues Corrosion rots an exterior - suppressed thoughts creep their way through Shit that I did in high school with the door locked in the bathroom Now I'm crying on the corner outside Souley Vegan, trying to explain to my brother why I feel like this I'm trying to make things clearer I'm trying to let you know that what I've tried to forget are things I've tried to block out I know you said you'd be there, I know you said I could talk to you to try to help me work out what I can't do by myself I get it, you mean it I get it, believe it I wish I wasn't like this I wish I'd let you help me But I'm not sure what I'm feeling Just that I'm struggling
2.
$5 Words 03:10
These could be delusions, I'm feeling excluded Maybe I've had too many beers This could be the distance or just indecision It's no surprise to hear I'm insecure I'm placing emphasis on remaining restless instead of confronting my fears I've touted conviction while shifting with the wind I ran from what I could not endure It feels like we're drifting my thoughts could be fleeting But we don't even speak anymore If that's it after all then where does the line fall? We're suddenly oddly taciturn I've harbored this anger but I want to belong here My mind is something that I abhor I've coveted community and wrestled with anxiety I'm frozen when my passion once burned I made a promise to myself The words seem unfamiliar now So I stopped dreaming and seeking help And now I'll never be let down It's hard to chase what you've never known While struggling with self-control It's the escape, and it feels like home 'Cause I let everything else go
3.
Shed the skin that you've known Find meaning in letting go Consider what it's worth to keep living this way Is it unsettling facing choices you've made? It's painful but it's essential; pinpoint the source of your problems This might not work out but you can't be sure Without facing fear and the things you've known Up until this point you've kept your eyes closed Kept your fists clenched tight to be certain A little bit of doubt might set you free Confusion can steer you towards clarity There's pain that you've kept hidden beneath skin Tore apart your flesh just to scratch an itch Replaced sickness with stories untrue Until you lost the person that you were You can live on engulfed in fallacy If happiness is something you don't seek
4.
Years Ago 04:41
5.
Sheets 03:33
I’d fallen in love with eye contact and tattoos I altered myself to be a little more your hue These bad habits pile up depending on my mood But my taste is cheap, and I can get home without you Keep lying through that pretty smile I’ll believe every word if it gets me in your sheets It’s clear to see that I’m the one to blame here Because I let it go on when I knew that it was not true You were the mystery I could not solve A broken chord left unresolved But I can play the victim well It’s a testament to my destructive streak It’s the sense of guilt that keeps me up at night Because I’ve let you this far along and leaving does not seem right But maybe you’ll have some better luck next time With someone who doesn’t think too much or over-analyze
6.
Restless 02:39
Sometimes you want to feel good - sometimes you need some body heat, and a chance to forget things. And before you ever know it you're in a new place with new perspectives And you're feeling uneasy, cause you're falling in love when you shouldn't be. And you'll run out of excuses when the one you love's not with you. And you're feeling uneasy, mistaking others with what you need. You'll realize you're not growing - you're just getting comfortable with age and feeling stuck in the same place And you'll sight of your dreams, and your concept of a family You can leave it all behind You can try to start a new one You can try to fill the place of the people who accept you But decisions that you've made will one day catch up with you You can only run for so long - can't keep blaming those who've done you wrong Can't just ignore the flaws inside you and cover scars with tattoos You can try to hide what you are - you can lie and say you've done alright Or you can look at yourself in an honest light
7.
I'm no longer wasting time feeling sorry for myself, or thinking I'm not enough. I want to make a difference while I still can in the lives of the people around me So I've said goodbye to the nights I'd spend with a six dollar pint of whiskey And now I'm trying to face my shortcomings, cause distractions won't send them away I've got some things to take ownership of, like a lack of maturity. Cause I still storm of without warning when I need to get away And it makes me realize that moving on is not the same as forgetting I think back to hiding in fear of what I'd realize about myself But I'm still guilty of altering myself to fit better in a room Though I now know when I am lying, and that honesty just won't come easy And it's not about the promises that you have made to yourself as much as it's about commitment to take things as they come And it took a long time to get there. I'm still not sure what it all means But I can't shut down when I'm feeling a lack of security I'll hold myself to a higher standard and try to ask for what I need I am through with romanticizing my self-destructive tendancies
8.
It's the job of a sinner to put commitment to test To pin distrust onto lovers, to force divide amongst To pay for bonds that were broken, to make sure that others know Resentment grows when it lingers, and some things can't be untold Why bother saying it's wrong It's just conflicted emotion unsure of where it belongs No use to fight something so strong Direction takes desperation which was there all along Delicate things will be broken despite how safely they're kept Surroundings won't be a factor, safety ignored by intent Value will not be respected, in spite of what you respect Love can't be placed in a vacuum and be expected to thrive Temptation needs to be wanted, desire can't be ignored It's not what was expected, but you're completely involved Why bother saying it's wrong It's just conflicted emotion unsure of where it belongs No use to fight something so strong Direction takes desperation which was there all along
9.
Defined 04:37
Childish insults thrown about casually Ignorant to all the pain they can bring I wasn't sure how they'd relate to me Became aware when I was seventeen I thought about telling my family Explored instead through infidelity Several years later a casual fling But it wasn't fair - not to them, not to me It was easier to kid myself - be a hedonist and nothing else Sneak away to a stranger's house and never speak a word of it Kept quiet 'cause I didn't know how to deflect what I could not control How to make sense of what I wrestled with How I felt, what it meant, where to go I'd think about how much had changed, while other things still felt the same I couldn't make much sense of it, and struggled with identity I wasn't sure what to expect - I hadn't found much comfort yet The truth that I'd eventually find was in never being defined I'm not gonna say that I'm sure that I know myself, but I've learned that you can't suppress that things that you're feeling I can't say I fall on a side of any spectrum I'm feeling okay with that now, but it took some time to get there
10.
Sorry, Dad 03:10
We could hit the road and not look bad Sleep each night on our friends' couches Establish our own way of living With basement shows and vegan potlucks But what if this does not work out? Will I sell my gear and settle down? Get a real job and leave the Midwest Maybe I'll have some better luck somewhere I know most folks won't understand why I quit school and play in a band And maybe make ten bucks a gig I defaulted on my student loans to sing along at my friends' shows I learned more about the world that way

credits

released May 2, 2016

All songs written and performed by Small Parks

Small Parks is:
Danny Petrilli - bass, vocals
James Radick - vocals, guitar
Dave Shilakes - drums
Josh Talo - guitar

Most instruments tracked by Jacob Lee in his basement in Lakewood, OH
All vocals and additional instruments tracked by Ryan Wert at Elm Street Recording in Lansing, MI
Mixed & Mastered by Mark Michalik

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